Space sadness
by Eleanor Catherine Jones
Summary: A heartfelt moment between Scott and John, what's bothering the spaceman? The Birds belong to Gerry Anderson, although I sometimes put them into my pocket, I'll give them back just hang on... Lyrics to the song are mine and no-one elses.


John sat unhappily on the sofa with Scott on the way to Thunderbird 3, his brother was humming the theme to their organisation that Virgil had written after their first ever mission they had been on, making John feel more miserable.

"What's wrong John, you've been very quiet?" Scott asked.

"Three rescues in a whole month, whenever I'm home nothing seems to happen."

"C'mon, you and Alan have equal time."

"Never seems to pan out that way."

Scott bit his lip and remained quiet until they got into Thunderbird 3, then he turned to his brother.

"Now, what's this about?"

John sighed "you're keeping Alan waiting."

"Right now, he can wait, I want to know what's bothering you."

"Fine. I just feel like I'm not appreciated in this house, the month flies past and no-one seems to realise I'm there."

"Don't be stupid John, you're..."

"See, _stupid_, that's the word you choose for me. It's true isn't it? While I'm in space, none of you realise I'm not there."

"John, seriously what's wrong?"

John sighed "I hate going up to Thunderbird, it's lonely and quiet and I don't see any of the family, save the odd times when my bird malfunctions."

"What are you talking about? We see you every alternate month."

John shook his head "you don't understand, every time it's my turn, I loathe every minute of it. I've missed so many birthdays, celebrations. I even missed last Christmas!"

"You haven't missed that many" Scott smiled "besides, you didn't miss much last Christmas, we just sang carols to our guests, that's not much of something to miss."

"I've still missed a lot and you know it" John bowed his head hiding the forming tears.

"John?" Scott asked gently "are you ok?"

There was no response, then to his surprise John covered his face with his hands and began to cry, his body shook with sobs and Scott felt ice in his heart as his brother sobbed in front of him.

"I'm sorry John. Why haven't you ever told me you felt like this before?" he asked trying to control his own emotions.

John looked up his tears falling freely "you wouldn't have cared."

"You know that's not true" Scott tutted sympathetically.

"There's always someone else you're more interested in, even after mum's death, I was left to look after myself" John cried harder, turning away from his brother.

"I don't know what you mean, I was looking out for all of you, _especially_ after mum's death" Scott laid his hand on his brother's shoulder "John, look at me."

"Just leave me alone, up there" John didn't look up.

Scott frowned "right, Alan can have an extended term, you're not going up until I've sorted you out."

"Dad's gonna go berserk" John sniffed.

"I don't care, he'd be a little more concerned to know that you spend your satellite duty crying and thinking how you're so unloved" he paused as John looked at him "come here Johnny."

John joined his brother on the sofa for the return journey and was pulled into a hug.

"Don't tell anyone about this" John said thickly.

"We're going to your room, and I am going to tell _you_ everything."

They reached the lounge, Scott ignored Jeff's argument of Thunderbird and instead pushed John to his room and onto the bed.

"Ok, after mum died I had to look after the babies, Dad made me. Then I had Virgil on my case."

"Yeah, Virgil who gets every ounce of attention from you" John rolled his eyes.

Scott ignored his brother's remark and continued "Virgil was really struggling with the loss, mum taught him everything, his artistic skills, the piano, without me telling him not to give it up, he would've worked himself into mental depression or worse" Scott paused "believe me I know I should've spent more time with you, but with Dad being at work so much and the younger two not coping without mum I…I."

"Just couldn't find time" John looked down into his lap "for me."

"I forgot I had another brother" Scott choked back tears.

"What?" John looked up in surprise.

"I'm sorry John, at that time I was so focussed on the others that I thought you could take care of yourself, so I left you out, I didn't realise at the time that you needed me as much as the others."

"Well, I hate to break this to you but _you_ were wrong" John narrowed his eyes and walked away from the bed.

"I know, I know, and I'm sorry" Scott broke down in a sob, John turned back around, a little shocked by the usually in control brother, now sitting tearfully on the bed, his dark eyes pale with tears.

"Why couldn't you have been there for me Scott? I've always looked up to you, but since mum's death and onwards, I've had doubts" John begged for an answer.

"I tried to be there but I couldn't" tear tracks lined Scott's cheeks "dad wasn't much help either."

John joined him "be there for me now."

Scott smiled "I will, and _always_ will look out for you John" and wrapped his arms around his brother resting his chin on the platinum blonde head, he sighed letting the remaining tears fall whilst his brother clung to his shirt like a lifeline, supressing his tears against Scott's frame, tearfully, Scott began to sing whilst stroking his brother's head.

_"__If I didn't care, _

_You'd be forever lost,_

_I need you in my life,_

_And I'll save you at any cost."_

"What was that song?" John asked as Scott rocked him gently.

"Mum sang it to Virgil and me once."

"I miss her" John said quietly.

"So do I."

"Thanks for understanding me Scott, I guess I should go and relieve Alan now" John laughed lightly.

"What's the point? It's evening, you might as well get him tomorrow."

"Alright, well I'm going to get some sleep then."

"Goodnight John, remember, I'm here whenever you need me."

"Thanks" John smiled and settled under the duvet, as he shut his eyes he saw Scott sit down on the bed with the guitar and began to play the lullaby their mother had written again to put John to sleep. As he played he cried softly to himself thinking about Lucille and deep memories kept in the secret corners of his mind, he sighed quietly and dried his eyes before continuing the piece with more confidence. Filled with the melody in his head John smiled and sat up to rest his head against Scott's shoulder to enjoy the final verse of the lullaby.

"You're never alone John" Scott kissed his brother's forehead "c'mon go to sleep, I'll see you in the morning" he laughed lightly as his brother pushed his fringe out of his eyes and lay back down, once John was asleep Scott left the room to radio his younger brother with a long apology.


End file.
